made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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