So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
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