I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
