In the future we'll all be gay
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
