i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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