I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
