Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
