What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
