she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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