What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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