9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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