I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
