i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
not ubering you a puppy
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
