Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
