i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
