Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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