Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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