Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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