pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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