he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
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He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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