this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Randomize
