the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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