My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
