I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
