Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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