You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
