I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Also, beer. Big fan.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
