she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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