You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
