Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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