I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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