fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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