cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
