Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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