i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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