a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
