i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
