he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
