barbara walters just said penis...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
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