Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
