I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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