Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
