I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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