I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
