I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
