The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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