elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
