I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
