I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
