New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
