i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize
