well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
