the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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