Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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