My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I need moral support for this bender
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Randomize
