Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
