I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
