my phone needs a breathalizer
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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