My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
