The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
