It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
